Monday, June 4, 2012

To All of My Haters

Lately(I'm not sure why)some people have been rather rude to me.
The latest situation was today when one of my classmates told me I was ugly. He had said it before, but then I hadn't taken it in to much recognition. This time it struck me though. The way he said it, directly to me, not laughing at all, broke me up inside. I don't think people realize what impact their words have on others.
It didn't make me want to cry. I ranted a bit to my friend, but I was just working off my anger. If the person and people who have hurt me over the years ever read this, I want them to know:
I am not athletic because some days it's hard just to breathe,
I don't wear makeup because that's not who I am and I do not bend to what I am "supposed" to look like,
I don't wear skirts because I'm hiding my legs that you all seem to notice,
I hide my head because I don't find worth in myself,
I have my own mind, so I'm sorry if you're offended by that,
I may not be pretty, but that's because I choose not to be,
I am not a man, I am a gentleman,
I have so many emotions weighing on my heart, I don't need extra depression pounds.
Please think before you speak. It could be the difference between life and death for some. It's not dramatic. It's reality.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The audience hooted and howled as another student was ushered up onto the stage. The Supervisors watched silently from the seats, examining each face that crossed the spotlight. They never spoke, they just scribbled things down in their little notepads and nodded to each other occasionally.
Most students had already been called. It was, in our view, an achievement ceremony. The people who had excelled in some type of sport were the ones who had to stand in front of the hundreds of students and faculty in the crowd and be cooed over by the speaker.
I was not going to be called on today. I sat with my friend Audrey, watching the others be talked at and appreciated. Our school was one highly focused both on academics and athletics. Though we had the highest test scores of our state, our sporting achievements were what made us "preferable".
"Please pick me next. Please, please, please..." Audrey squirmed impatiently in her seat, fingers crossed. The next person to be called was some junior that I didn't know. "Ugh!" She fell back, resting her neck on the metal frame of the chair.
"Settle down. They'll call you soon enough. What's with you lately?" Audrey looked down at her feet, as if she was thinking extremely hard. It had never been difficult for us to talk to each other, but now there was some invisible force walling its way between us.
"Audrey Fenner!" Audrey shook, smiling beside herself. She got up quickly, not even turning and shaking me in her giddy, stupid way like I thought she would.
"Audrey," I shouted to her as she reached the stairwell. She turned back to look at me. "Good job! You deserve this!" All of a sudden, the air around us changed. She gave me a look, something melancholy and teary; a mixed of unequal emotions. It seemed as though she wanted to tell me something, but then she turned and jogged down the stairs to be mentioned. For one second, the world, along with my heart, sank.
After Audrey was praised and as she took her position amidst the other athletes, the speaker started speaking to the rest of us.
"Now," he said, a smile still plastered across his face like a permanent stamp," I invited all of the Normals to step out of the building at this time. You will see Representatives from group classes stationed along every stairwell and at every exit. Each designated Representative will escort you out to the loading lots. Are there any questions?" All was quiet. Everything was dead. The kids that still sat around me were as pale as ghosts, eyes wide with utter disbelief. I myself was frozen in shock. "Good." The speaker gestured to the Representatives, signaling them to herd(or more like apprehend)the kids who had not been called to the stage. A man grabbed my shoulder, telling me that it was too late to run. But my mind never caught on.
"Audrey! Audrey, help me!" I cried pleadingly to my friend, desperate for some kind of intuition that this was all just some twisted joke. She hid her head, averting her eyes even though she could hear me. At that moment, I realized that she had previous knowledge of this. I could not believe it. "You jerk! I thought you were my friend!" I spat and cursed, both her and myself for how stupid I had been. It wasn't long before the Representative pulled me away and started dragging me to my last exile.
In the parking lot, the other Normals and I waited for whatever was coming. We didn't speak. Some cried, not knowing their fate. It seemed so weird that our high school lives would end like this. Hadn't we worked hard during our time there? Hadn't we been promised a future if we worked hard? Suddenly, a dark, beige-colored vehicle approached us. It pulled up beside the curb, it's doors opened revealing a seat-less back seat where we would undoubtedly be crammed in during our trip. As the other seniors piled in to the vehicle, I stopped and turned to the Representative who had dragged me out of the auditorium.
"Why are we being taken away? Why is this happening?" The Representative's dark sunglasses hid his emotion, but I could hear the seriousness in his voice.
"You had four years," he said, now lifting me up and into the odd cube car," If you don't participate in some kind of athletic activity during your four years of high school, we are licensed to take you away." I finally realized why Audrey had been so anxious to be called on. I realized why she had gone to every soccer practice and worked so hard. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with hatred toward myself for what I'd said to her. "Don't worry kid," said the Representative, his hand resting on the open car door, "you wouldn't have been any use to the world anyway. I mean, if you don't play a sport, what else can we expect of you?" The door closed, leaving me to my thoughts in the dark, along with the lonely sighs and silent prayers of the Normals.

This was a short story I thought up and typed on the spot to reflect my feelings about how much athleticism is favored over knowledge and other miscellaneous talents. I guess I just felt that if you're not in some kind of sport, you're not worth anything to our school. In some ways, this is all too real concerning our school pride. 

Friday, May 18, 2012

Help Me Be a Wife

I'm not absolutely sure how I'll be standing relationship wise when I'm older. Am I going to make a good partner? Or will I be the one singing at other people's weddings? What will I be?
I have joked with my friends countless times that when and if I get married, I'll wear an emerald green tux with green rhinestones on it. We laugh about it and how ridiculous it sounds.
I'm not sure though. Is it possible for me to have that much confidence? I have never thought of myself getting married, simply because I want to travel and live and explore. It hasn't occurred to me until now that I can do all these things with someone by my side. We could adventure and live and laugh. And if I get old and have children, adopted or natural, I'll pass down my stories about how much we loved life. One day, I hope that I can find that person who I've been looking for and we can belong and be and all that goes into togetherness. I'm not sure if I'll make the best significant other, but I'll try and try and if we fall apart, I'll start over again.  

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Poser

I don't believe that there is such a thing as a poser of gender. Whatever you feel you are, is what you are. If you transition from female to male, then date a guy, it doesn't mean you're straight. Unless you know you are. If you are a girl, feel like you're cross-dressing when you put on makeup, you might be. It all depends on who you are and what you know yourself to be. People in the LGBT community don't choose who they are attracted to and who they are, they just know. This does not necessarily mean you have to know who you are. For some, it comes as easily as riding a bike. But for me, and others alike or not so, I am still trying to find out just exactly who and what I identify as. Whether I'll know in the future is entirely up to how I develop and how much I learn about myself. And I'll be alright even if I never find out.  

Monday, April 30, 2012

Let's Go Over This...

I just wanted to write a quick summary of myself, so here it goes:
I use an in-biological name that makes me feel more comfortable.
My "style" is whatever I choose to where on that day.
I don't judge based on appearance, for I love inner beauty as much as outer.
Music is an amazingly inspirational thing.
I'll try any food once.
I like to think of myself as a leaning-gothic, jolly Hatter fantastic.
I don't idolize, I simply love people.
I write...a lot.
I aspire to go out around town in retro go-go boots and long, dark clothing and a cane.
I adore make-up(though I'm no good at applying it).
Something about the 70s(though I wasn't alive then)makes me positively giddy.
I shall forever regard Robert Downey Jr., Johnny Depp, and Ewan McGregor as three of the most amazing actors I shall ever be privileged enough to witness on the screen.
Drawing is my muse, singing my hobby.
That's probably not all, but enough to get a good view of where I'm coming from.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Still Finding It

Things I will never stop doing:
Painting my nails black,
Referring to myself as a Hatter,
Being an individual,
Writing,
Learning,
Believing in Ashton Kutcher,
Remembering the times when I would go out on nightly car rides, listening to the Partridge Family in my orange polka-dotted pajama pants,
Loving the 70s,
Believing in people,
Loving music,
Being open-minded,
Drawing,
Photography,
And I will never stop searching for the person I love.
If they're out there, and by some highly improbable means we find each other, I think I might be the happiest fantastic polka-dot pajama-wearing Hatter in the world. <3

Friday, April 27, 2012

Scratch-Offs

In art, we're doing a project in which we use references to draw, copy, and scratch out portraits. I chose to draw a photograph of a trans-guy who I'd been following on a popular video site. When my teacher saw him, and addressed him as "she", I politely corrected her. No matter what something looks like on the outside, it is what it is on the inside, and like a tree's rings, you only know what it's like when you look to the heart. <3