Monday, June 4, 2012

To All of My Haters

Lately(I'm not sure why)some people have been rather rude to me.
The latest situation was today when one of my classmates told me I was ugly. He had said it before, but then I hadn't taken it in to much recognition. This time it struck me though. The way he said it, directly to me, not laughing at all, broke me up inside. I don't think people realize what impact their words have on others.
It didn't make me want to cry. I ranted a bit to my friend, but I was just working off my anger. If the person and people who have hurt me over the years ever read this, I want them to know:
I am not athletic because some days it's hard just to breathe,
I don't wear makeup because that's not who I am and I do not bend to what I am "supposed" to look like,
I don't wear skirts because I'm hiding my legs that you all seem to notice,
I hide my head because I don't find worth in myself,
I have my own mind, so I'm sorry if you're offended by that,
I may not be pretty, but that's because I choose not to be,
I am not a man, I am a gentleman,
I have so many emotions weighing on my heart, I don't need extra depression pounds.
Please think before you speak. It could be the difference between life and death for some. It's not dramatic. It's reality.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The audience hooted and howled as another student was ushered up onto the stage. The Supervisors watched silently from the seats, examining each face that crossed the spotlight. They never spoke, they just scribbled things down in their little notepads and nodded to each other occasionally.
Most students had already been called. It was, in our view, an achievement ceremony. The people who had excelled in some type of sport were the ones who had to stand in front of the hundreds of students and faculty in the crowd and be cooed over by the speaker.
I was not going to be called on today. I sat with my friend Audrey, watching the others be talked at and appreciated. Our school was one highly focused both on academics and athletics. Though we had the highest test scores of our state, our sporting achievements were what made us "preferable".
"Please pick me next. Please, please, please..." Audrey squirmed impatiently in her seat, fingers crossed. The next person to be called was some junior that I didn't know. "Ugh!" She fell back, resting her neck on the metal frame of the chair.
"Settle down. They'll call you soon enough. What's with you lately?" Audrey looked down at her feet, as if she was thinking extremely hard. It had never been difficult for us to talk to each other, but now there was some invisible force walling its way between us.
"Audrey Fenner!" Audrey shook, smiling beside herself. She got up quickly, not even turning and shaking me in her giddy, stupid way like I thought she would.
"Audrey," I shouted to her as she reached the stairwell. She turned back to look at me. "Good job! You deserve this!" All of a sudden, the air around us changed. She gave me a look, something melancholy and teary; a mixed of unequal emotions. It seemed as though she wanted to tell me something, but then she turned and jogged down the stairs to be mentioned. For one second, the world, along with my heart, sank.
After Audrey was praised and as she took her position amidst the other athletes, the speaker started speaking to the rest of us.
"Now," he said, a smile still plastered across his face like a permanent stamp," I invited all of the Normals to step out of the building at this time. You will see Representatives from group classes stationed along every stairwell and at every exit. Each designated Representative will escort you out to the loading lots. Are there any questions?" All was quiet. Everything was dead. The kids that still sat around me were as pale as ghosts, eyes wide with utter disbelief. I myself was frozen in shock. "Good." The speaker gestured to the Representatives, signaling them to herd(or more like apprehend)the kids who had not been called to the stage. A man grabbed my shoulder, telling me that it was too late to run. But my mind never caught on.
"Audrey! Audrey, help me!" I cried pleadingly to my friend, desperate for some kind of intuition that this was all just some twisted joke. She hid her head, averting her eyes even though she could hear me. At that moment, I realized that she had previous knowledge of this. I could not believe it. "You jerk! I thought you were my friend!" I spat and cursed, both her and myself for how stupid I had been. It wasn't long before the Representative pulled me away and started dragging me to my last exile.
In the parking lot, the other Normals and I waited for whatever was coming. We didn't speak. Some cried, not knowing their fate. It seemed so weird that our high school lives would end like this. Hadn't we worked hard during our time there? Hadn't we been promised a future if we worked hard? Suddenly, a dark, beige-colored vehicle approached us. It pulled up beside the curb, it's doors opened revealing a seat-less back seat where we would undoubtedly be crammed in during our trip. As the other seniors piled in to the vehicle, I stopped and turned to the Representative who had dragged me out of the auditorium.
"Why are we being taken away? Why is this happening?" The Representative's dark sunglasses hid his emotion, but I could hear the seriousness in his voice.
"You had four years," he said, now lifting me up and into the odd cube car," If you don't participate in some kind of athletic activity during your four years of high school, we are licensed to take you away." I finally realized why Audrey had been so anxious to be called on. I realized why she had gone to every soccer practice and worked so hard. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with hatred toward myself for what I'd said to her. "Don't worry kid," said the Representative, his hand resting on the open car door, "you wouldn't have been any use to the world anyway. I mean, if you don't play a sport, what else can we expect of you?" The door closed, leaving me to my thoughts in the dark, along with the lonely sighs and silent prayers of the Normals.

This was a short story I thought up and typed on the spot to reflect my feelings about how much athleticism is favored over knowledge and other miscellaneous talents. I guess I just felt that if you're not in some kind of sport, you're not worth anything to our school. In some ways, this is all too real concerning our school pride. 

Friday, May 18, 2012

Help Me Be a Wife

I'm not absolutely sure how I'll be standing relationship wise when I'm older. Am I going to make a good partner? Or will I be the one singing at other people's weddings? What will I be?
I have joked with my friends countless times that when and if I get married, I'll wear an emerald green tux with green rhinestones on it. We laugh about it and how ridiculous it sounds.
I'm not sure though. Is it possible for me to have that much confidence? I have never thought of myself getting married, simply because I want to travel and live and explore. It hasn't occurred to me until now that I can do all these things with someone by my side. We could adventure and live and laugh. And if I get old and have children, adopted or natural, I'll pass down my stories about how much we loved life. One day, I hope that I can find that person who I've been looking for and we can belong and be and all that goes into togetherness. I'm not sure if I'll make the best significant other, but I'll try and try and if we fall apart, I'll start over again.  

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Poser

I don't believe that there is such a thing as a poser of gender. Whatever you feel you are, is what you are. If you transition from female to male, then date a guy, it doesn't mean you're straight. Unless you know you are. If you are a girl, feel like you're cross-dressing when you put on makeup, you might be. It all depends on who you are and what you know yourself to be. People in the LGBT community don't choose who they are attracted to and who they are, they just know. This does not necessarily mean you have to know who you are. For some, it comes as easily as riding a bike. But for me, and others alike or not so, I am still trying to find out just exactly who and what I identify as. Whether I'll know in the future is entirely up to how I develop and how much I learn about myself. And I'll be alright even if I never find out.  

Monday, April 30, 2012

Let's Go Over This...

I just wanted to write a quick summary of myself, so here it goes:
I use an in-biological name that makes me feel more comfortable.
My "style" is whatever I choose to where on that day.
I don't judge based on appearance, for I love inner beauty as much as outer.
Music is an amazingly inspirational thing.
I'll try any food once.
I like to think of myself as a leaning-gothic, jolly Hatter fantastic.
I don't idolize, I simply love people.
I write...a lot.
I aspire to go out around town in retro go-go boots and long, dark clothing and a cane.
I adore make-up(though I'm no good at applying it).
Something about the 70s(though I wasn't alive then)makes me positively giddy.
I shall forever regard Robert Downey Jr., Johnny Depp, and Ewan McGregor as three of the most amazing actors I shall ever be privileged enough to witness on the screen.
Drawing is my muse, singing my hobby.
That's probably not all, but enough to get a good view of where I'm coming from.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Still Finding It

Things I will never stop doing:
Painting my nails black,
Referring to myself as a Hatter,
Being an individual,
Writing,
Learning,
Believing in Ashton Kutcher,
Remembering the times when I would go out on nightly car rides, listening to the Partridge Family in my orange polka-dotted pajama pants,
Loving the 70s,
Believing in people,
Loving music,
Being open-minded,
Drawing,
Photography,
And I will never stop searching for the person I love.
If they're out there, and by some highly improbable means we find each other, I think I might be the happiest fantastic polka-dot pajama-wearing Hatter in the world. <3

Friday, April 27, 2012

Scratch-Offs

In art, we're doing a project in which we use references to draw, copy, and scratch out portraits. I chose to draw a photograph of a trans-guy who I'd been following on a popular video site. When my teacher saw him, and addressed him as "she", I politely corrected her. No matter what something looks like on the outside, it is what it is on the inside, and like a tree's rings, you only know what it's like when you look to the heart. <3

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Change



I won't accept that things/people can't change. Each day it's something. A teacher yells for no reason, someone displays an act of intolerance. It makes me not want to be in the setting I'm in. I don't want to be at this school, among such intolerant people. All around me: Sexism, Homophobia, attacking the man and not the issue. It makes me want to crawl in a cave and scream. Why can't you just accept that people are different than you? What's so wrong with change? We've made sufficient adjustments around our school to get students and staff to be more open-minded about the LGBT community and people's religious(or not so)backgrounds. And yet, still, people insist on mocking our attempts and staying in their close-minded stupor. I really wish that we could all(as a school)contribute to ACTUALLY TRYING TO BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHER PEOPLE, THEIR BELIEFS, AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION. No, caps was not an accident.  

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My Dad, The Seahorse

It's funny that I've never thought of making a post about this.
The seahorse is an amazing species because it's not the female who conceives, but the male. He's much like a penguin in the sense that he keeps the eggs safe until they hatch. I love the males pure devotion to his unborn young, and that he defies what is a "naturally suitable" birth parent. He shows that the women don't have to do all the work. What a beautifully amazing creature.
Love to all, and to all a magical seahorse. :)

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Inspiration

I've been inspired by art! Art has had such an effect on me as a person and my values and inspiration. This little sketch is just a fragment of different art I've done to influence tolerance and acceptance. RainbowGay also fits under this category. People have been using art like this to send a broader message for a long time. I'm happy to be a part of this tolerant, beautiful, expressive, open-minded group. Have a wonderfully tolerant day everyone.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Boy or Girl?


I was in a nail salon the other day. Relax, it was my mum getting her nails done, not me. I've never really liked getting my nails painted by anyone other than me. Anyway, there was an older woman drying her nails while her granddaughter sat with her. All of a sudden, the little girl glanced over at me. She went to whisper something to her grandmother. If my ears aren't going wacko on me, this is what the girl said: "Is that a boy or a girl?"
It was a little surprising to hear. I mean, yes, I was wearing a pair of worn skinny-jeans and a size medium men's flannel shirt, but I didn't think I looked that butch. I tried thinking up an answer just in case she actually came over and asked me. What would I say?
But she kept close to her grandmother as kids often did in unfamiliar places. I still wonder, though. I've always been able to answer that question but now, seeing how much I've changed, I can't figure out how to respond.

Back With The Birds



Hey, it's been awhile. Yeah, sorry. I've been very busy with other things like school and relationships. Actually, I forgot how to log in. Oops! Well, whatever because I was actually thinking a lot about issues that relate to me such as what's going on in our school and how we can bring forth tolerance in our community. As always, our art teacher was way ahead of me and assigned us a tolerance card as a sketchbook project. We were supposed to use our drawing abilities to portray a tolerant message that could be used in a positive way. After us, the other classes were asked to do the same thing. So hopefully that'll get around.
So lately I've been walking home with this guy(only like 2 times actually). He's nice enough, but then he starts talking. About God. Now, don't get me wrong, I respect the beliefs and opinions of others, I just don't like it when someone keeps talking about how Jesus loves me. Would you get annoyed? Anyway, this day when we were walking, he(or maybe it was me, I don't know)brought up the topic of gay marriage. He said that he had heard that gay people weren't happy, being married or otherwise. You can probably guess that I was less-than-pleased with the statement. I told him that I had several friends who were a part of the LGBT community. I wanted to say more, but he would never have talked to me again. When I got home, I posted a message on a popular chat site. The message was rather blatant. It had a few statistics about heterosexual divorce and how common it is. Then I wrote some of the ways kids of divorced parents feel. [Side note: I can do this because I am one of those kids!] I really hope I got my message across, as the art teacher hopes her tolerance message does. I think of it like this: The people who are outcast from society, ridiculed and/or different are the birds in the cage. The cage itself is the trap of intolerance and the pain and loneliness it brings to its victims. Tolerance is the key. So if we use that key, there are many more free birds. :)  

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

RainbowGay

This is RainbowGay. I made her shortly after hearing the controversy over a pony named Derpy getting removed from Friendship is Magical. I don't watch the show and don't see myself ever watching it in the future. Even so, there is a good point made in the "Save Derpy" campain. Censorship. It's been happening more and more lately as SOPA and PIPA snake slowly through the ears of every internet user. It's also happening more on television. Not in the same ways, but in ways that are questionable. Let's start over:
This is RainbowGay. She is a beautiful, independant, lesbian pony. The pride flag on her side clearly shows how proud she is of her sexual identity. However, if anyone were to have brought RainbowGay to the producers of My Little Pony, she would be turned down. And even if she got her name changed and removed her flag, it wouldn't be alright. Because that's not her.
I think that parents over-emphasize what is acceptable and what's not. It's good when parents tell their kids bullying is bad and to accept others. But apparently "others" doesn't include the LGBT community? Is anyone else confused by this? You let your kids watch cartoons in which men are drooling over a sensual woman, usually making unwanted advances toward her, and yet when two cartoon men are holding hands on TV it's automatically inapropriate? Okay, what's with that?
We've made it acceptable for a man and woman to display less-than-modest acts of affection in public places. In front of children. And then when Fred kisses Ted on the cheek, you cover your childrens eyes. What? Why'd you react like that?
The next time you're about to say something or respond in a way that's hurtful toward another person or group, please think twice. You don't know how that might affect them. And if you have a rather old-school family that has a problem with LGBT, don't force them to conform to your own beliefs. Just let them know what you think without being mean and accept them as they will accept you for being curtious to them.
Tell me what you think of RainbowGay. Leave a comment below. :) 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

We, The Birdz

As time goes on, I am getting more and more familiarized with my school's "policies" on gender.
I hate to bring up the dance class thing again, but this is something I can't stand.
Today I had to stay for the partner dancing. I had dreaded doing it knowing that I'd have to touch someone I wasn't familiar with.
The hand-holding was not what made me uncomfortable.
Before we even spun a circle, we had to meet our partners in the middle. There, you had to curtsy if you were a girl and bow if you were a boy.
I decided to bow, considering I'd never liked the feel of curtsying.
When I came back to my place in the circle, my friend gave me a look. "You're supposed to curtsy," she said ,"because you're a girl." Her words stung, burned, and left a scar. Even my friends could be ignorant.
After class, I started thinking about my time at school. How I'd changed. What I'd learned. Who I was now. Most of it, I disliked. It was the typically little things that people oversaw. The invisable people, the ghosts, who you never took into account. I make it my goal almost every day to see these people. Because maybe they're the "cool" ones, and maybe we're just blind to the actual popularity.
I also seek out people in the LGBT community. There are barely any in our school, which probably contributes to its complete disregard for a loose gender system.
No matter what their reason, I'm trapped here. And a few along with me. I think of us as birds, dull and forelonging, in a broken up iron cage. There is no lock, no key. Our wings are bullet-heavy. We aren't given food, so we eat the rust from the metal, slowly poisoning ourselves.
Until we're able to get out, go to college, move to someplace more tolerant, all we can do is wait and waste.
The world crumbles quietly on the soft, sick plumage of the gender-strange birds.
Though this post may seem dramatic, these are truely my views and I hope that one day we'll develop more as a system. Thanks for listening.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Who Am I?

Being the person I am, I sometimes come across as all-knowing of myself. The truth is though, I'm still learning.
I can't(as of now)say that I am one thing. I can't identify. It's hard for some people to understand. I don't even fully understand my feelings.
So many questions come into my life every day, undirected: Are you a boy or a girl? Are you a lesbian? What are you? Why do you dress like that?
I can't answer all of them because I don't have the answers. I don't know what I am.
It makes me mad when people say I'm weird or crazy. Mostly the way they stare, though. As if I really am crazy.
What's with it? Look at it. Does it know its hair is missing?
These questions I don't even need to answer. They are there purely to harass me.
I know how I look and I know that others know too. Someday I hope I'll know what and who I am. Until then, I'm left to my peers and their stares. I wonder if they know how dumb they look staring. Yes, I'm human. Thank you for making me visable.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The Third Gender

It's not that I hate dancing. I don't. I actually enjoy it to an extent. At one point, I was as good a dancer as the others.
The point of this post isn't, however, to talk about dancing achievements. It's to talk about some issues concerning dancing classes in schools.
For our school, we have a dancing section as part of the Phy. Ed. unit. It's pretty simple. Show up. Pay attention. Listen. Dance.
What isn't so simple is who we have to dance with. Either there's a shortage of boys or a shortage of girls. I would gladly dance with a friend. We were the only two without a partner. But our teacher wouldn't allow it.
I hated the thought of some guy's hands on me, and he probably felt the same. It's just so...awkward. Why couldn't I just go on the guy's side and dance with my friend? "There's no third gender", my teacher said.
Luckily, I got out early to help a friend. 'Narrowly avoided that one, didn't you?'
Still, I regretted going back. Having to dance with a boy who would never want to dance with me. Sitting on the sidelines once again with my friend because I couldn't just dance with her. It's funny...
They say that schools are "gender neutral", that they don't pick sides. And yet I see it every day. Boys. Girls...I stop.
Were those the only two?
Did I have to pick and choose? Boy or Girl...
Boy- Blue. Baseball cap and football. Short hair.
I had the short hair. I wore mostly men's tops. I might slip by, right?
Girl- Pink. Skirt and makeup brush. Colored hair.
My hair was colored. I liked women's styles. Is this one okay?
At the end of the day, once again, I can't decide. No third gender? What am I now? Two different minds? I didn't want to be that. I had one mind and it belonged to me. Tye. Or was it Tei? Stacey? Heather? Jordan? David?
Names. Labels. Judgment. Assignment.
I can't wait for the day when everyone shuts up and lets people be people. Men and Women. And the Third Gender.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Don't Hate

So...why do we hate?
Yes, I understand that people have different opinions about different topics. But, I mean, why hate?
It's one thing to say what you believe, but it's another thing to force your belief down someone's throat. You ostracize, chastise, but never sympathize. And why?
Is it not "cool" to like a person for who they are? Is it wrong to have your own opinions?
Oh, I get it.
It's okay for you guys to have your own opinions, but when someone you don't like has a different opinion, that's when it's unacceptable?
No.
Let them conform to your ways and then they're accepted?
No.
Let others be who they want to be. Even if you don't accept their views. That's okay.
Don't hate. Celebrate. Diversity.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Unwritten Law of Male & Female

I mean, really? Who thought up a law on how to be male or female? It's like writing a list of characteristics you have to have to be human.
It's not possible to do gender "by the book". Who said a guy can't wear a skirt? Who said you have to be male to put a tie on every day? If we had to go by these rules as if they were actual laws, what a world we would live in!
And why ostracize the people who are trans, femme, or masculine? We are approaching a generation in which it is acceptable for two men to marry. These people have been fighting for that right for years, and then we criticize them? Not okay.
People need to learn that just because Bobby wore his mom's dress to school doesn't make him wierd. I solute the people who actually have enough courage to express themselves and be who they know they are.
To the people out there who honestly think that being a girl means wearing pink, having long hair, and wearing makeup all the time and that being a boy means playing sports, wearing "guy" clothes, and hanging out with the football team, please grow the other side of your brain. I'm getting my hair chopped off later this week, and honestly, I feel proud. I'm so happy that I can cut my hair down to the skin and still love myself. Have pride people! <3

Friday, February 10, 2012

Welcome To My World

Hello all. I see you've found your way into this odd little world called Tei's Blog. I'll start off with an introduction: Hey. How ya doin?
Name: You can just call me Tei, Tey, or sometimes Wolfie. ^-^
Occupation: I wear flannel...a lot.
Music: Nicole Reynolds, CN Lester, La Roux
Favorite Animal: Sloth.
Purpose of Blog: This blog is mostly for anyone who's interested in reading. It's geared toward the trans, gay, and genderqueer community. I named the blog Dudettez because, to me, it's kind of like a mix between boy and girl slang. Please no hating.
Please leave any comments, questions, and/or suggestions for me. I'd love to get advice from the blogging community.
Lastly, call me what you will, just don't call me late for supper(did I tell that right?).